Nowadays

I couldn’t sleep last night.

I was thinking too much, and couldn’t stop, about the things that I should do today. All of it involved something to make sure the day goes good or to try and correct what went bad before.

I find it that when I don’t like what I look like currently or how life is panning out I retrive to the future and dream and wish, and sometimes sadly, envy starts creepying up when I see older people (not people my age) living what I wish my life was like. It is so easy to retrieve to the future because what is in the past we know we can’t take back again. The future offers hope.

As much as try to live in the now …. I almost want to say I can’t.

Writing this I stopped for a few seconds because I wanted to find some eloquent, or smart sounding wording to describe that I just can’t.

Wow, there was almost a certain freedom saying those words. I am not comdening myself to a life of self-proclaimed can’t-do. I just took the freedom to say “I can’t.”

As christians we are supposed to have this happy-go-lucky attitude because of the verse that says “I can do all things in Christ…”

And then there is the cultural “Just do it. Nothing is impossible. etc”

There is a point I am sure when we end up believing that power is in us. But there is a sense of comfort of coming to the end of my rope (shortened on purpose for my sanity) and then figuring out that it all rests in God.

So, I guess I should go back to work at the moment and figure out that I am supposed to be content in this moment.

Today is just such a great day.

I woke up late and was a little late to work. But driving in the snow with my new front studded tires is amazing. It makes me feel safe and it was worth the headache yesterday!

I paid to change my oil as well and it just feels good to have my car shut up about it! hahaha…everytime I turned on my car it told me “change oil soon.” Annoying! like I didn’t know that! I just didn’t want to spend so much money at it. I bought antifreeze too and I should pour it in soon

I didn’t have a load of things to start with so I dinked off in myspace and for one reason or another I got to re-read my comments looking for one in specific. And then it hit me. Maybe it was in combination with my coffee drinking but either way it turned out like this. I am so happy and excited in the moment.

Last night I had a hard time letting Chris go. It wasn’t a huge deal a couple of nights ago but it was this time. Anyway, on the phone he was a great encouragement to continue to pursue God’s way in my attitude and mentality. I  knew so and I just wanted him to shut up about it, just like my car. But I decided to pray in the spirit. It helped a ton. And I finished my night, there, wrapped up in my blankets, with victory.

Chris said: “maybe God just made you with that weakness with a purpose.”

Me:”yeah? what kind of purpose can something like this be??!”

Chris:”just bring it to his feet.”

So I did and it just gave the world a completely different look! I love it.

This morning, while re-reading my comments I realized, once again, of the beauty in these people! They are so beautiful inside and out and somehow my heart aches for all of those who are not bringing their lives to the feet of Jesus. It makes me want to cry when I think of Jared, Steve, Jacqulyn, etc. All these people who are living for God with all they got…I don’t know why, I get so excited so it makes me want to cry!

There are so many beautiful people around me. I know I will not really love like God loves us but he is working me through it. It is painful some time. But after swallowing the bitter everything turns out so much better.

My heart praises God for his goodness and love. His mercy strengthens my weaknesses and his love gives me direccion more than I thought!

Patience is hard to practice and usually something I want to avoid at all costs. Many times I’ve thought I’ve grown patient but I now see that I’ve actually just resigned to situations when I can do nothing to speed up the process.

The other night I was telling Chris (the boyfriend) that I was tired of waiting on our personal lives.

He told me (didn’t suggest or sweetly reminded but it was more of a command) to practice patience. After a pause he said:

“I am loving this!”

“What?” I asked assuming I knew the answer…

“Patience,” he said to my dissapointment.

After he left my house that night I went to bed many hours later thinking about it. He is loving practicing patience, why am I not??

Then God dropped this in my heart: If I am loving going to the gym and getting stronger and fitter then I should too love patience. Sometimes it sucks to go to the gym, but for the most part the thought of being strong and healthy and get rid of stress motivates me big time.

That did it. Yes, through the day I don’t like waiting, but I like practicing patience now! I am on it trying to perfect it.

I saw Chris tonight and I got to tell him about my little revelation about patience…he was excited.

This actually came about because he leaned over to kiss my cheek, nose, then lips. I pulled away a little and in confession I whispered:

“I am afraid of letting you kiss me.”

“I am afraid of kissing you too,” he responded.

That was such a big moment. There was an incredible amount of intimacy since we let each other in through that small phrase. I pretty much told him: you rock my world and socks off and I am afraid of stepping over boundaries, I want to keep my purity this night, I want you too also, you have a powerful influence in me, you are handsome, I love and desire you greatly, I respect you, I want to honor God with all my heart, I want this kiss bad but I want purity even more, …

His response droped in my heart with such weight. His response told me: I love you and I want to honor God and keep our purity, I respect you, I like you a lot, I can’t wait to be with you forever…

It was a powerful moment and ironically our lips touched lightly if even.

I sat back and he rested his arm behind me; his armpits smelled so good like his deodorant. I told him about how I used to be scared of the marriage stories I’ve heard. Men and women attested that in the beginning of their marriage there was fiery passion and it was intoxicating but as time went by everything was so stale and unexciting. I hated the idea of my marriage following that pattern!

But fighting for purity and honoring God with the utmost and innermost of our hearts and lives means to me, to us, that we are definitely rising above emotions and cravings of the flesh. The more I delve into God and practice obedience in all levels my confidence rises and I grow more grounded in him. I got this new hope and excitement for my marriage in the future that I won’t allow the staleness to come through and take over since God is training me to rise above my emotions and lame flesh cravings. This is good!

The cravings of the flesh are to be selfish vs the command of Jesus to serve one another. From serving one another intimacy follows automatically. Ultimately there is sacrifice and sincerity for no one that doesn’t truly love will put himself/herself to the side for others. This is sowing love which in turn will produce love and fruit of life. Staleness cannot fester in a marriage or any type of relationship if both parties are always stretching to give more. But this can only be done with Christ in our lives since the flesh always seeks for itself and it is such a hard to tame habit.

I used to hate knowing that the date was so far away but now I am excited because I get more time to practice before sharing living quarters, a bathroom, a closet, a mirror, a bookcase, and a dirty clothes hamper with Chris.

The love of my life is such an interesting man! It’s so fun to be with him: he makes me laugh, we talk about serious stuff, we just sit there in silence and I cannot get enough of it, we talk about God and the scripture and our friends and how we can influence people better. Sometimes we argue and we try so hard not to be mean to each other and I am getting better by it in “arguing nice.” I love my life with him; he’s such a blessing from my God!

So, since the moment I realized that growing patience would grow my ability to not let emotions take a hold of me and my household I started loving the practice of patience.

I have to give thanks and worship my God for being so loving and full of grace. He knows our hearts and has provided people to support and love us and gives us words of life. I love my life with God, he is so beautiful!

During a winter quarter I had a creative writing class at YVCC. Our first assignment was to write many times

“I am a prolific writer”

Lately the word popped up and just caught my attention so I had to go and look it up in dictionary.com and then google it for examples of application and imagery. That is just what I do when something gets my attention. Research.

I love the word prolific.

It is so full of life. Fertility. Strength. Confidence. Laughter. Intelligence. Etc etc etc etc

By the way, the word Etcetera…hmmm….fascinating to me! but that is another post. A long one too.

Anyway, I had decided to be a prolific writer since that winter and I haven’t.

I had decided to be a prolific everything I could be…and I haven’t.

Being prolific doesn’t come by accident. One has to sweat the pain and work through it. Purchase it with effort, time, sacrifice, opening up the heart. The brave become prolific on purpose because they pursue it.

Being a prolific writer meant being brave enough to step up in front of a podium during that winter quarter. It meant to actually put down in words, use some sand paper on those ideas in the raw and shape them up. It meant creating a bond with total strangers that I’d see later around campus and not be ashamed of my tears and my past and my dreams and my wrongs and my eveything that they hadn’t hear in my poems or short stories but somehow they knew. They knew my spirit and a hint, a shadow of where I came from. But they could really tell, even without certainty but major faith, where I could go; where my potential would go and how far it’d reach.

Maybe they never thought these things in these words and maybe they were too busy to realize. But as they opened up their hearts and where brave enough to share their dreams they made a pact with me to believe in each other. I believed in them. I was sitting there and heard their voices and their writings. I saw their creativity, their irreverence, their loveliness, their desires and frustrations, rising up in wings above everything that dictates that man can’t fly because the economy is bad.

I saw them in my heart and I gave part of my soul when I cried with their singing hearts in their poem and stories. They believed in me too by respecting the time when I stood behind the podium in rebellion to all those lies that say I was tied down to live a life crippled of dreams and bitter with sorrow for the past. Their silence, their applause made me fly so many times and a process of freedom started.

I never wrote poems on assignment or just because. I really don’t think I did after that class. I certainly didn’t do my best. I got my grade and then walked away. But a revolution started in my heart and that tiny molecule of time, that winter, was the start to everything. Actually, it was a part in the process. But I’ll never forget.

Prolific.

There is so much strength, fertility, tears, effort, etc etc etc.

I am prolific.

I am prolific.

I am prolific.

I am prolific.

I am prolific.

In saying that I am not asking permission from the circumstances to be so.

I haven’t signed up for the economy to dictate my soul.

I have submitted myself, though, to the God of all creation and given him my heart and soul and in the process I have become a prolific human.

I will produce strong people, kind people, thoughts, ideas, compassion, generosity, patience.

I am in love with patience.

I am in love with sacrifice.

I am in love with investing in others’ lives.

So I haven’t posted anything since my first blog and I have about three saved ones. Sad stuff.

Everytime I try to write there is so much in my head that I get too lazy to sort it out and try to make sense in a legible blog that people would read. And though I was determined to write today even if I had to write about having “nothing to write about” I decided that would be really lame. There are thousands of adventures each day and that would be just flat out lame.

Something that stands out to me is how much I enjoyed this day and I can barely remember the annoying parts of it all. Well, if I make an effort I am sure I can come up with something pretty heart felt but I don’t want to anyway. The night was great. After work I called Chris’ aunt Beth to figure out her christmas gift because I have her name for the exchange. Then I rushed to the shower and told my mom and brother, Julian, that Chris was taking me out to dinner just for a special night since school starts tomorrow for me and it’ll be crazy. My brother is like:

“you gotta dress up!”

Well, I took a five minutes shower and run off to dry my hair (it takes a looong time!) and figured out that my brother had fallen asleep so there was no point in modeling my summer dress gone fall attire and I was running late. Go figure.

Once I was at the restaurant I loved being with Chris. There were a bunch of people here and there but it was such an intimate time since it was just him and I…and the two year old girl dancing on the little open space. Hilarious stuff! super sweet! hahaha

I loved just feeling the strength of his eyes on me and the silent pause he made. When he finally closed his mouth he said:

“you look amazing”

I felt myself blushing. You wouldn’t be able to tell since I am brown but I was a little embarrassed. I wanted to change the subject as to remove the attention from me. But I do like the attention. Just not so much when it seems like the entire restaurant pauses, his jaw drops, and his eyes take this sweet look to it and after half a minute he manages to utter a sweet compliment. Well, yes I like it. But is weird. I am not good at taking compliments all that much. Dang I should take showers more often!

kidding.

I do shower everyday! hahaha

Anyway, dinner was delightful and we had tons of little conversations, very good conversations, of all kinds and with different purposes. I just fell in love with him more. Then we drove to my house.

He had to pick up Guillermo from the gym and give him a ride home and I decided to stop by Target and get high socks. I found  a man trying to put together a good outfit but was lost and the employee girls were laughing at him. He asked them for help and they weren’t very nice. It enraged me so I came up and asked if I could help. I told him to not mix up patterns and textures like such and such… Then he asked:

“Are you a fashion advicer?”

“No, I just have two brothers and a boyfriend.”

Again, I wasn’t sure how to handle such a sincere compliment so I digressed and finally got the full attention off me. We laughed and exchanged thank yous and your welcomes. It was nice to make him feel good about himself and let him roam around the section with dignity. I had no respect for the employees at that moment but he was thankful I complimented his dorky sense of fashion and directed him a little in what would look good. I trust that if he goes with it he’ll still be himself and look good, professional, and confident and even a little trendy why not

Once I got home Chris passed me his phone after his long conversation with his mother and I got to talk to her and ask what she wanted for christmas. This lady has all she wants and needs, at least to her expectations for the most part. It is hard to narrow down what she would appreciate as a gift. Once she returned the question she exclaimed:

“hey! we got much more in common than I thought!”

That was nice to hear from her!

So anyway, Chris and I watched NCIS; just one episode. We got two left to be done with season one.

I love watching tv with him. He is nice to hug and smells really good all the time. He’s very manly all around and totally sweet. I can’t believe, well this is just a saying, that God blessed me in such way with what I really really wanted in a man!

His breath smells really good and all I wanted to do was to kiss him big time but I had to hold myself down. There was a ton of interdigitation happening and it just made me very happy
After the episode was over the dreaded words came down and plumetted in my heart:

“I have to go now”

I hate it when he leaves. It makes me sooo sad!

Anyway, I wanted to play the poutty face so I dare say:

“do you not like me anymore?”

“I love you. And that is why I have to leave before I step over boundaries and compromise in purity.”

No comment.

Well, of course I’ll comment in that!

This guy is my hero! I just love him so much. Even though it is the hardest thing to let go at the end of the night I just respect him so much that I gladly will submit to his authority one day. Needless to say after that response he was a thousand time hotter in my eyes and I just wanted to say goodbye with the biggest passionate kiss ever. But I just crossed my arms and commanded him to careful and drive extra safe. Yes, I said it in that order. Anyway, he got the point.

So yeah, it happens that the more my boyfriend loves Christ and follows his commands the hotter he becomes to me and then the more I trust him which in turn I love him much more.

I am so thankful for him and for the night he put together for me. We even hanged out with my brother and it was fun. I feel so special.

Tomorrow school starts and I will be crazy focused on it. I want to feel the satisfaction of a 4.0 GPA again after so long. I pray God will help me through it.

IamsoinlovewithJesus!!!!! (me squaling like a girl! hahaha)