Nowadays

Since I was a kid I dreamed up scenerios of happiness and complicated stories. I always gave the protagonist a prince charming. He always rode in to save the day and sometimes, when they were not fending off “dragons” or market crush down they would just relax and watch movies, read books, talk, hold hands…

But I knew I was making everything up. I enjoyed day dreaming but even though I was a kid I knew it was not realistic, or even if it was realistic it wasn’t for me. Something so good was for someone else, someone prettier, someone better, someone that the gods hadn’t forgotten about.

Now and then I am taken aback by the realization that I am not only the protagonist of my own story but the very own stories I used to dream about.
I didn’t try to make it happen. It just did. In my little kid stories I accounted for pain and sorrows and times of solitudes I am not even sure why since I was just a kid. But I always accounted for God being there regardless of my feelings. I accounted for truth and good winning over any evil. I accounted for wounds being cleaned and soothed with the love of family and the “special one.”

I just got engaged. And once again I am taken aback realizing that if there is such a thing as premonition I am living it. Or I am actually living what I had a premonition about, I just didn’t know it was about me.

I love my future husband. It brings me to tears almost. I held out for him for what seemed like an eternity and many times I felt trapped in the high tower even though I knew it was for protection and not for punishment.

I never want to say that he is “the man of my dreams” trying to stay away from the cheeze. But he surprises me everyday normally acting out what the world says “not a normal manly behavior.” He brings me flowers, speaks words of wisdom, respect my parents, loves God, works hard, wants to learn and grow with me.

I am not all excited about this all the time. I hate to admit that in all actuality I am always holding tight, preparing to be abruptly awoken any time. I haven’t let myself enjoy this moment….these moments. And I am bitter about it. I want to break loose. I want to fall down at the end of the ditch if it is what’s next for us….for US!

I am exauhsted emotionally….somehow, in the back of my mind trying to figure out if this is real. If I am not making it up. If for some reason….God remembered that I was born in this tiny town in Mexico and grew up fearing him…seeking to lay down parts of myself as I learned that it honored him…and one day he decided that he’d give me the best man in the world to marry.

At times, when I hug my future husband very tightly I breathe deeply as if I was huging God for such a wonderful gift. I confess “I love you” as much as I can because my future husband just likes the sound of it. But in reality….at some special moments…..in reality I am saying “I love you God. I don’t deserve that you remember me in the midst of millions of people…but you have.”

I used to watch romantic comedies and make fun of them for being so cheeze. Joke’s on me now. I’ve been living a romantic comedy. Far more predictable and far more unpredictable than fiction because it was written by God. If I had just trusted God it would have been so predictable. I would have not been surprised that all this is happening…to me.