Nowadays

My love language is quality time and touch, followed by words of affirmation and acts of services alike.

A funny and sad thing has been happening all along. I hated my job. I hated how wiped out I was after 5 o’ clock every day. As an online student I have to go home and continue working, sacrificing social time with friends, family and my husband. Sometimes I feel resentful that my job is holding me back from living a joyful life in my short days with too few hours but it’s the life line, if you would, to paying my bills.

Yesterday a customer hung up on me because he didn’t have things his way. It sunk in quickly and enraged me, made me feel disrespected and lowly. When I have to explain insurance concepts to spanish monolingual people and they don’t understand it after 1, 2, 3, 4 or 5 times I feel like such a failure! Then I realize I do not get paid nearly enough when comparing the time I invest in this place versus what I could be doing with free time. I feel frazzled because of responsabilities undone besides my job and the mountain of things that I see coming soon.

At times I’ve felt like quiting my job is the solution I need and nothing else. Sometimes I am convinced that a “better” job will be the solution.

When drivign to work this morning I started the daily excersice of preparing my mind to be joyous today and to have confidence of steel that nothing penetrates it. Yes, I do this every morning and everyday it fails because I end up feeling crappy at the end of the day.

Then it hit me.

I am a person of quality time > I spend a third of my day at work > the rest of my day is invested in school > my days end late and super tired.

People’s behavior tend to change their attitudes even much more than an attitude will direct behavior. As my time is being spent differently my perception of myself has changed. I don’t work out at all anymore because of the time crunch, I perceive myself as lazy and disfunctional even though I work hard all the time and God is polishing me. I spend a lot of time at work and work hard in school to get a better (dream?) job. It’s all about the job. The job brings finances and reputation. Neither of those are needed for salvation or for God to love me. Still, I keep deriving my self worth from them. What a poor mentality.

Yesterday I read “John Piper on What Makes Your Life Count” (http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/ConferenceMessages/ByDate/2000/1483_Boasting_Only_in_the_Cross/), it send chills down my spine.

And I was confused. Once more.

Again, I know what I have to do. With my job I realized I could not take things personal and that I could not derive my self perspective from it. But I didn’t know how to change it. Now I do. Kinda.

John Piper reminded me of God’s word to “boast only in the cross” which is crazy because “it is like boasting in the electric chair or the lethal injection (…)” and I just do not know how to do it!

I am convinced that if I had the right perspective, boasting only in the cross, and I was humble enough and Godly enough, I would have joy everyday of my life. Maybe it is self deception again just like when I thought that a better job would solve my misery. But this sounds Godly so it must be the answer right?

I am not sure how to keep my eyes focused on Jesus and not desire things of the world while doing a good work in my job and my future career. I’m not sure how to let my career be driven for Christ and not for finances or respect or the wow factor from people.

All the while those sweaty heathens that do not even worry about this stuff are living it up and having fun…while I am not….because breaking my status quo (mentally, emotionally, directionally) and reforming it to the standards of Christ is crazy painful and confusing and there’s no joy in being crushed and broken and coming up to walls and closed doors everywhere!!

Oh Lord, right now my prayer is that my husband won’t think I am a basket case and will start doubting if he married a mental case. I love him so much. I pray that you shape him as well and that you give him tons of patience for me while you take me through this crazy process!